Dear family and friends,
We went on Tuesday the 19th to find out the gender of our baby. It was an exciting prospect to see our baby and learn if the baby would be a boy or a girl. We walked away disappointed because the ultrasound was quite short and the technician could not determine the gender at the time, telling us the baby was still measuring a bit small and she was sure the doctor would send us in again in a couple of weeks.
We got home and there was a phone call from the doctor's office saying to come in right away. Heart stops. Tears sting. Mind registers immediately why we would be going to the doctor's office at 6:30pm to discuss the ultrasound with the doctor.
The mood in the doctor's office is reverent and somber. I get no answers from the nurse, but thankfully the doctor comes in quickly and delivers the heart-breaking news that our baby had no heartbeat. I was 18 weeks pregnant, but the baby was measuring more in the 16 week range, indicating that the baby had been gone for some time.
We asked many questions, and the doctor was very kind and compassionate in doing all she could to answer our tear-filled inquiries. She told us that I would need to go to the hospital the next day to deliver the baby. The baby was too big for a D&C, which was okay because with a D&C we would not be able to see or hold our baby.
We went home completely devastated. Sleep was elusive. We had to wait until the next evening to go to the hospital because the special rooms they have for patients like myself were occupied. It was difficult to sit around all day not knowing when the hospital would call to let us come in. The doctor indicated that she didn't want me to wait for the baby to pass because infection could set in, causing great harm to myself. I never considered this. I can't imagine waiting for my body to stop trying to nourish and keep my baby safe, and then switch modes and begin to reject my baby. I would never want to know what that feels like- I was anxious to get to the hospital.
They started my body on powerful, labor-inducing medicine, but my body still took some time. I was in labor for about 11 hours. This was very difficult for me, knowing what was coming. I still hadn't come to grips with so many questions that would soon need to be answered- namely, "do I want to see my baby?" My mind raced with so many questions. The contractions were painful, but in-between contractions was just as bad. I was very uncomfortable and the medicine was making me quite ill. I threw up, spiked a fever, and just could not find much comfort. Thankfully, I was on pain-relieving medication that did eventually do some good. I still felt every contraction, but the medication let me rest somewhat comfortably between contractions.
The doctor came in and broke my water, and the baby came within an hour. In fact, the delivery was quite unexpected. No longer restrained by the amniotic sac, our baby came out on her own. I was grateful to not have to go through intense pushing. Emotionally, that would have been too much.
It did not take me long to decide that I definitely wanted to see our baby. Todd was wonderful in that he prepared me for what I would see. It was no longer a question, I knew that for the sake of my emotional journey to recovery I had to see our baby. By this time, we knew we had a daughter. It was heart-breaking to see our baby so lifeless, but joyous to see 10 fingers and 10 toes and a cute little baby body.
In the very short amount of time that has passed since Thursday morning, so many questions have come to mind, and so many feelings. We know it will take time to emotionally recover. We both feel this way. Many people focus on me as the mother losing the baby inside of me, but Todd is just as sorrowful over the loss of our daughter, and with her, so many hopes and dreams.
People have been very kind and understand that even though our baby was still so young, that her life is to be accounted for and not simply brushed aside because she was not a full-term baby. Many people speak of the joyous reunion we will have someday with our daughter. I believe that she is with God. However, I have not let that peace settle with me at this time.
Mostly, we feel robbed. We feel she was robbed. We are a loving family. We wanted her very much to know us, to know her big brother, for Mitchell to know her and love her. Sure, it's great to think of having a daughter waiting for us, but really I just wanted her this year. Not July, but December. She was supposed to be a very special Christmas gift this year.
Some people have lovingly said that we will be successful in having more children. There is no need to fear that we can never have more children. I believe that, but right now, I'm not thinking of our future children. I'm only thinking of our daughter. Our daughter that we will really never know. Our daughter that cannot be replaced by other children. Our daughter that we won't see grow up. Our daughter that would grow up to be so beautiful. Our daughter will always be a part of our family, and until we see her again, we will never forget her. She will always hold a special place in our hearts and in our family.
